What Time is It?

Well to be precise it is 6.29 am on a saturday...
And it is also almost time for Mark and Dave to leave my tiny little apartment!
At first I was just excited to have my place back to myself, but then last night I changed my mind. I made a point of getting home before them so that we could talk a little before they left just to kind of map out how they are getting to the airport etc.. Haha we had so much fun, I havent laughed that hard in quite a while. Mark recounted the Zoo story again and Im pretty sure that we all just kept it going for like 45 min, sounds lame but have you ever heard two British boys talk about picking up falling penguins? Probably not, but it is by far one of the funniest things you'll ever hear! Mark said that when I come to England we will tell everyone that I am a princess! Haha so Im pretty excited about that. A little bit later Mark went to bed but Dave and I stayed up talking sitting in the round chair for a little bit just about the trip and home and life in general... So I guess I changed my mind- I dont want them to go anymore!
On another (totally unrelated) note, it is almost FALL (and we all know what that means... Hannahs 21st Birthday)!!! Ahhhh yay! Haha I love fall more than so many things, it is the perfect weather! Lets see, while we are on the topic of amazing things...

Today is Mat's birthday! Happy Birthday Mat! Mat is such an awesome kid, he and I became close friends freshman year of high school but then drifted apart after that, now we have been reunited as pals, co-conspirators and lovers (of Jesus Christ). We are both reading an amazing book called The Irresistible Revolution, by Shane Claiborne, I highly recommend it to anyone that wants to change the world for the better.

Hm.. lets see, one more great thing... ah yes! I am going back to North Park to finish my school and now one of my very oldest and bestest friends will be there too! Erik Jon Brorson! yay!

Alright well the shower is calling my name before the boys wake up. Bye!

Education vs. Learning

Is there a difference? I think so. We can be educated but not learn anything! Every math class I have ever been in would be perfect examples.. Sure I was getting an "education" but I learned nothing.

This concept is what kept me out of school this past year, I love to learn and think and debate and analyze but for me to put in that kind of effort it needs it needs to be something that I am passionate about.. Some call it immature, but I think of it as Discerning. I want to "suck the marrow" out of life, as my good friend HDT put it. And to do that I want to get rid of everything that isnt needed. I want to focus on that which allows us to Live. To Thrive. To Love. To Be. Numbers are important if you are passionate about accounting or science, but for me it is People. Relationships. Love.

I have finally decided that I want to major in Communications and minor in Global Studies. Two things I am so very passionate about. Communicating with others and learning about different cultures and societies. I am so excited.

A Day to Celebrate My Father

Happy Fathers Day!

You wrote your father a Blog and Gracie wrote you one, so I felt the need to follow in this new "Fathers Day Blog" trend that seems to be sweeping the Hoggatt Family.

Growing up with a Southern Baptist preacher for a father wasn't always the easiest or most fun thing, but it turns out that I was a pretty lucky kid. My father, one half of who I am, is now and will always be one of the most influential people in my life. Growing up I longed for a "normal" family, where I could wear what I wanted, see and say what I wanted, listen to what the other kids were listening too and stay out just as late as them. Well- turns out I managed to get in enough trouble even with my restrictions so I can only imagine what I would have turned out like without those boundaries.

So much of who I am stems from my father. His passion for life runs through my veins. His love and appreciation for art is embedded deeply within my heart. His affinity for people is one of my proudest traits. I also happened to inherit his stubbornness (but at times that is a gift as well).

Growing up as I did was the best thing that ever happened to me. I grew up different than a lot of the kids I knew, but looking around at a lot of them today, I would much rather be myself- quite the individual, as opposed to them- they all look the same to me. And for that I can thank my father and mother.

I know that I have caused my dad so much heartache in times past, so many times have I let him down. But each day is new, and each day I make an effort to progress, sometimes I fail and take more steps backwards, and it is a daily struggle to regain where I was. And if I had been given a different family Im not sure that I would have made it this far. My fathers unwavering dedication to my success in life is just one of the many ways he encourages me. I am constantly inspired by his strength in his faith, I know mine hasnt always been the straightest walk, but I have always admired his dedication and passion.

I heard this song a few weeks ago and I just cried, and whenever I listen to it because it always reminds me of my dad.

You'll Always Be My Baby
by: Sara Evans

There I was ten years old
waitin' in my room for him to come home
and I just knew he'd be so mad
though I begged my mother not to, she told my dad.
There was no denyin' I let him down
but instead of being angry
he put his arms around me and said

in the sunlight or the rain brightest nights or darkest days
I'll always feel the same way
whatever road you may be on
know you're never too far gone my love is there wherever you may be
just remember that you'll always be my baby.

There I was twenty-one
oh I was so ashamed of what I'd done
on a country road
parked one night
what started out so innocent
crossed the line
there was no denyin'
I let God down
but instead of being angry
he let his love surround me and I heard

in the sunlight or the rain brightest nights or darkest days
I'll always feel the same way
whatever road you may be on
know you're never too far gone
my love is there wherever you may be
just remember that you'll always be my baby yeah yeah.

There he is my little man
I'm sure he'll get in trouble every now and then
and I pray to God that when he does
I'll be just as understanding
as my father was 'cause the last thing that I want to do is let him down
so instead of being angry
I'm gonna throw my arms around him and I'll say

in the sunlight or the rain brightest nights or darkest days
I'll always feel the same way yeah whatever road you may be on
know you're never too far gone
my love is there wherever you may be
just remember that you'll always be my baby
be my baby

So thank you dad. and Happy Fathers Day.

Another Artistic Cliche?

Am I? I love art. I love the passion behind it, I dont just look at it as a career or a pastime, for me it is a lifestyle. When I look at something I dont just see it as it is, I see the potential it has, I see what about it might make a great photograph, its not a long laborious thought process I go through, it is second nature like breathing- I dont even realize Im doing it unless sometimes I accidentally say what I am thinking out loud.

Ever since I left the studio I have been feeling like a failure in my art, I dont have time to shoot anymore, let alone the subjects to shoot even if I had the time. But today I was offered not one but two opportunities to jump back in to the most important thing in my life. I was called and asked to not only shoot an event at the Drake Hotel, but also a wedding in Colorado! I haven't agreed to either one yet, I'll have to find a digital camera to use seeing as how mine is not in working condition... and on top of that I am nervous as heck! 

But I feel re-inspired, I feel as though I have taken a deep breath and will now survive- these are both perfect opportunities to showcase my passion and hard work. And hopefully it pays off!

Lonely

I have spent all night (when I was supposed to be cleaning) making a Wall of Photos... Just sticky tacked pictures of me and my friends... I look at all these pictures, all these people, all these memories.... and I feel more alone than I ever have. Yes these are cute pictures, and yes the people in these pictures do appear to be all having the times of their lives... Then please tell me why I feel so detached from it all?

It's as though I feel the need to just pretend to have these friends... Not to say I dont have good friends, I certainly do. And I have the "fun to have fun with friends" that aren't as close but I thoroughly enjoy their company too... There are all sorts of "types of frends"... Class friends- that you talk to during or about a certain topic or class you are in, Seasonal- the type where you bond immensely and quickly and for a while you are BFFS but then eventually you fall apart and things are never the same, then there are the Lifers- the friends that you are truly friends with forever and even though you might get busy or fight, or even if you are separated for a long time you can always pick up right where you left off- this friend is there for you always.... But I digress..

This still doesnt answer my question of being lonely.. and not just in the sense that I am currently alone in this moment right now, but its like these pictures dont mean anything. It is almost as though I am looking at someone else's curly hair and wide grin in this photos, not my own. Its the feeling you get when your looking through someone elses photo album of a vacation or just of friends. And you sit there looking at all these people having the time of their life and you want to pretend that you were there too- just to the left of the girl with her head tossed back in laughter, dont you see me? Thats my arm in the corner.. no? Oh well maybe that might be someone else...

Love?

Love is obviously one of the most complicated emotions in the human repertoire... It is the strongest, most compelling, most painful, most joyous, most heart wrenching. 

I've been In Love once. Truly-all-encompassing-till-the-ends-of-the-earth In Love. I have never taken the word lightly; and as a result I have only ever said it to one person (in a romantic relationship context). This person was my best friend, my knight in shining armor. When I said I Love You I meant it with every beat of my pounding heart. Being slightly (possibly overly) emotional person that I am, I tend to be too trusting, too naive, too immature... This person was there to help me grow, he pushed me in a way no one had ever pushed me, he gathered up the fallen pieces of my life and helped me begin to construct myself in a way that proved his love beyond the words that he said. 

Not to say that our relationship (or either of us) was perfect in any way, we had our fair share of yelling and fights, but we used to think that those fights were what made us last so long. Instead of not talking about our concerns or issues, we would duke it out, the opinionated, stubborn and emotionally passionate kids that we were. We said what we meant, we talked about all our problems, neither of us was a doormat to the other, we were equals and even if we were at each others throats we would have gladly fought to the death on the others behalf. Regardless of our age, we truly were In Love. 

Love is a safe, saying I Love You is like a shield that protects. I used to have this wonderfully idealic view of love, curtsey of Corinthians... and I suppose the issue isn't that the Corinthians' "Love Is" passage is incorrect in its definition of this elusive definition, but I feel like that is an unrealistic drawing. As humans we are prone to jealousy, and anger... Love isnt perfect, If it were then it would be exactly what Corinthians describes.. But unfortunately sometimes love involves storming out of the room, it is not always being happy with the other person, it is having problems, it is one of the hardest things in the world, yet at the same time, one of the simplest. The following quote is from the movie The Notebook, and yes it is the most romantic movie of all time, considered so by men and women alike- old and young... for several reasons, the primary being that it is real Love. This quote is one that described my In Love.

Young Allie: Stay with you? What for? Look at us, we're already fightin' 
Young Noah: Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant jerk and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing. 
Young Allie: So what? 
Young Noah: So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day.

People can say that you're too young to be In Love, but I disagree, I do not think that age matters, I think it is simply the people. I would agree that not everyone that says it to their significant other truly means it in the greatest capacity that Love actually fills. But that is a great thing about love, it has stages, it grows with you... Then again sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes when you grow up you have to change, and that Love might be left behind. That doesn't diminish the Love that was there, it doesn't mean it wasn't real Love. 

When love does get lost in growing up, when people who planned to make a life together change and grow in different ways... that is the most heartbreaking, most devastating most world shattering time in someone's life. It's as much a physical pain as emotional... even now I can still feel the fist clench around my literally aching heart and wring it raw of any feeling-forget being able to cry I could barely breathe. There is this sensation that came over me that stole me of any reasoning, my entire body was tense, clenched with fear, anxiety, lost love, a lost friend... It was all I could do to function. It lasted quite a while, and when I think about it sometimes that smothering, crushing sensation comes back and I would give anything to go back to a time before all that. 

Right away I tried to distract myself with other possible romantic interests so that I wouldn't have to deal with the very unsettling truth that was in front of me. When that was over in a whirlwind after a month or so I was left with the devastation of before with this new added failure. In general I have terrible anxiety in everyday situations so this was just almost too much for me to handle. My mind whirred with anticipation, with confusion, with anger, with frustration. My insides literally felt like they had been put in a blender on the Pulse mode. Now all I had was time to think about it. 

The hardest part wasn't even the ending, it was more or less what caused the ending I suppose. The person I fell In Love with was hardly the same person anymore, and I can imagine that he felt the same way about me. We had our fair share of traumatic experiences that forced us to grow up faster than we should have had to... We dealt with things differently and ultimately it caused our demise. 

We used to say that no matter what no one was more perfect for us than each other, that no one could complete us as well as we completed each other. Even when we went our separate ways we acknowledged this fact. I am finding this to be true still. Nothing seems right anymore, no one seems to fit as well, to meld as well... Its hard to go from someone that knows everything about you, with whom you can have an entire conversation simply by looking at each other- to go from your best friend to a complete stranger is frustrating. 

So honestly thats where I am, frustrated. Im not going to pretend like I am just at peace with everything, nor will I pretend that I am over it all and have moved on... I have tried to! There have been plenty of opportunities to move on, but each time it feels forced. I still want my fairytale, who doesnt!? But I guess I can just keep waiting, It is a daunting thought, being alone, it might just be my number 1 fear,  if not 1 then certainly in the top 5! But I would rather be alone and with myself than with something that isn't right... 

6 a.m.

So. It is 6 o'clock in the morning on a Saturday... Why on earth am I awake? My internal alarm clock doesnt distinguish between work week and weekend. So here I am, awake when Im fairly certain even God is sleeping...

Lately I've been thinking a lot about my actions. Not in a "think before you act" way really, but more of a "what are my emotions and thoughts behind the reasoning" of what I do... and I have made some startling discoveries. I have started to learn a lot about myself.

Mouthwash by Kate Nash

This is my face
Covered in freckles
With the occasional spot
And some veins

This is my body
Covered in skin
And not all of it
You can see

And, this, is my mind
It goes over and over
The same old lines

And, this, is my brain
It's torturous analytical thoughts
Make me go insane

And I use mouthwash
Sometimes I floss
I got a family
And I drink cups of tea

I've got nostalgic pavements
I've got familiar faces
I've got a mixed-up memory
And I've got favourite places

And I'm singing "oh oh" on a Friday night
And I'm singing "oh oh" on a Friday night
And I'm singing "oh oh" on a Friday night
And I hope everything's gonna be alright
And I'm singing "oh oh" on a Friday night
And I hope everything's gonna be alright

This is my face
I've got a thousand opinions
And not the time to explain

And this is my body
And no matter how you try and disable it
Yes I'll still be here

And, this, is my mind
And although you try to infringe
You cannot confine

And, this, is my brain
And even if you try and hold me back
There's nothing that you can gain

'Cause I use mouthwash
Sometimes I floss
I've got a family
And I drink cups of tea

I've got nostalgic pavements
I've got familiar faces
I've got a mixed-up memory
And I've got favourite places

Recycled

I feel as though my life as been recycled time and time again. Im not sure how many "do-overs" one gets in life but I'm willing to bet Ive almost reached my quota. 

For some reason I have started seeing things differently lately. 

I have been reading a lot by an author named Augsten Burroughs... He is an absolutely fabulously talented writer, but I wouldn't recommend him to anyone that is easily offended or has a low tolerance for the abnormal. The thing that really gets to me about his books are the fact that they are all completely and utterly true.. he just is a deeply superficial and self absorbed gay man that has had an incredible life, with some very dramatic "do-overs".

I have taken to noticing several similarities between myself and him, none of them positive unfortunately, but still it is reassuring to know that "Im not the only one" feeling. The way he thinks and processes information is just blatantly laid out there with no reserve, he has just cut open his head and is letting everything pour out into his books. He talks about his relationships, he has an entire book that follows him through his time as an alcoholic in rehab and after, and in again and his success with it all now, he talks openly about his childhood- which seems so insane that it almost feels like fiction....

He has gotten re-do after re-do, not unlike myself, and has made the best of it and is a better and (while still severely flawed) more complete person because of it all. I guess all Im trying to say is that he has given me more confidence, a hope really, that everything will honestly be ok. Maybe not the Christmas card perfect we had wanted, but a different more unique "ok".  

Moving to Chicago seemed daunting and overwhelming at first, and sometimes i severely questioned my choice (like when I think about the fact that I eat bagels every night, or the fact that I have yet to do laundry or dishes really...) But then I smell the antique store smell of my building, and I look at my photographs that are hung with such deliberation on the walls, and I am reassured. As I walk to the beach to sit and daydream, as I hold little Hailey and she grins at me as I walk in the door, as I am faced to be alone with myself, instead of hiding behind my busy schedule... I am reassured that this is indeed where I need to be right now. This is one "do-over" that I refuse to screw up.