Love?

Love is obviously one of the most complicated emotions in the human repertoire... It is the strongest, most compelling, most painful, most joyous, most heart wrenching. 

I've been In Love once. Truly-all-encompassing-till-the-ends-of-the-earth In Love. I have never taken the word lightly; and as a result I have only ever said it to one person (in a romantic relationship context). This person was my best friend, my knight in shining armor. When I said I Love You I meant it with every beat of my pounding heart. Being slightly (possibly overly) emotional person that I am, I tend to be too trusting, too naive, too immature... This person was there to help me grow, he pushed me in a way no one had ever pushed me, he gathered up the fallen pieces of my life and helped me begin to construct myself in a way that proved his love beyond the words that he said. 

Not to say that our relationship (or either of us) was perfect in any way, we had our fair share of yelling and fights, but we used to think that those fights were what made us last so long. Instead of not talking about our concerns or issues, we would duke it out, the opinionated, stubborn and emotionally passionate kids that we were. We said what we meant, we talked about all our problems, neither of us was a doormat to the other, we were equals and even if we were at each others throats we would have gladly fought to the death on the others behalf. Regardless of our age, we truly were In Love. 

Love is a safe, saying I Love You is like a shield that protects. I used to have this wonderfully idealic view of love, curtsey of Corinthians... and I suppose the issue isn't that the Corinthians' "Love Is" passage is incorrect in its definition of this elusive definition, but I feel like that is an unrealistic drawing. As humans we are prone to jealousy, and anger... Love isnt perfect, If it were then it would be exactly what Corinthians describes.. But unfortunately sometimes love involves storming out of the room, it is not always being happy with the other person, it is having problems, it is one of the hardest things in the world, yet at the same time, one of the simplest. The following quote is from the movie The Notebook, and yes it is the most romantic movie of all time, considered so by men and women alike- old and young... for several reasons, the primary being that it is real Love. This quote is one that described my In Love.

Young Allie: Stay with you? What for? Look at us, we're already fightin' 
Young Noah: Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant jerk and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing. 
Young Allie: So what? 
Young Noah: So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day.

People can say that you're too young to be In Love, but I disagree, I do not think that age matters, I think it is simply the people. I would agree that not everyone that says it to their significant other truly means it in the greatest capacity that Love actually fills. But that is a great thing about love, it has stages, it grows with you... Then again sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes when you grow up you have to change, and that Love might be left behind. That doesn't diminish the Love that was there, it doesn't mean it wasn't real Love. 

When love does get lost in growing up, when people who planned to make a life together change and grow in different ways... that is the most heartbreaking, most devastating most world shattering time in someone's life. It's as much a physical pain as emotional... even now I can still feel the fist clench around my literally aching heart and wring it raw of any feeling-forget being able to cry I could barely breathe. There is this sensation that came over me that stole me of any reasoning, my entire body was tense, clenched with fear, anxiety, lost love, a lost friend... It was all I could do to function. It lasted quite a while, and when I think about it sometimes that smothering, crushing sensation comes back and I would give anything to go back to a time before all that. 

Right away I tried to distract myself with other possible romantic interests so that I wouldn't have to deal with the very unsettling truth that was in front of me. When that was over in a whirlwind after a month or so I was left with the devastation of before with this new added failure. In general I have terrible anxiety in everyday situations so this was just almost too much for me to handle. My mind whirred with anticipation, with confusion, with anger, with frustration. My insides literally felt like they had been put in a blender on the Pulse mode. Now all I had was time to think about it. 

The hardest part wasn't even the ending, it was more or less what caused the ending I suppose. The person I fell In Love with was hardly the same person anymore, and I can imagine that he felt the same way about me. We had our fair share of traumatic experiences that forced us to grow up faster than we should have had to... We dealt with things differently and ultimately it caused our demise. 

We used to say that no matter what no one was more perfect for us than each other, that no one could complete us as well as we completed each other. Even when we went our separate ways we acknowledged this fact. I am finding this to be true still. Nothing seems right anymore, no one seems to fit as well, to meld as well... Its hard to go from someone that knows everything about you, with whom you can have an entire conversation simply by looking at each other- to go from your best friend to a complete stranger is frustrating. 

So honestly thats where I am, frustrated. Im not going to pretend like I am just at peace with everything, nor will I pretend that I am over it all and have moved on... I have tried to! There have been plenty of opportunities to move on, but each time it feels forced. I still want my fairytale, who doesnt!? But I guess I can just keep waiting, It is a daunting thought, being alone, it might just be my number 1 fear,  if not 1 then certainly in the top 5! But I would rather be alone and with myself than with something that isn't right...