Recycled

I feel as though my life as been recycled time and time again. Im not sure how many "do-overs" one gets in life but I'm willing to bet Ive almost reached my quota. 

For some reason I have started seeing things differently lately. 

I have been reading a lot by an author named Augsten Burroughs... He is an absolutely fabulously talented writer, but I wouldn't recommend him to anyone that is easily offended or has a low tolerance for the abnormal. The thing that really gets to me about his books are the fact that they are all completely and utterly true.. he just is a deeply superficial and self absorbed gay man that has had an incredible life, with some very dramatic "do-overs".

I have taken to noticing several similarities between myself and him, none of them positive unfortunately, but still it is reassuring to know that "Im not the only one" feeling. The way he thinks and processes information is just blatantly laid out there with no reserve, he has just cut open his head and is letting everything pour out into his books. He talks about his relationships, he has an entire book that follows him through his time as an alcoholic in rehab and after, and in again and his success with it all now, he talks openly about his childhood- which seems so insane that it almost feels like fiction....

He has gotten re-do after re-do, not unlike myself, and has made the best of it and is a better and (while still severely flawed) more complete person because of it all. I guess all Im trying to say is that he has given me more confidence, a hope really, that everything will honestly be ok. Maybe not the Christmas card perfect we had wanted, but a different more unique "ok".  

Moving to Chicago seemed daunting and overwhelming at first, and sometimes i severely questioned my choice (like when I think about the fact that I eat bagels every night, or the fact that I have yet to do laundry or dishes really...) But then I smell the antique store smell of my building, and I look at my photographs that are hung with such deliberation on the walls, and I am reassured. As I walk to the beach to sit and daydream, as I hold little Hailey and she grins at me as I walk in the door, as I am faced to be alone with myself, instead of hiding behind my busy schedule... I am reassured that this is indeed where I need to be right now. This is one "do-over" that I refuse to screw up.