____________
disappointment.
i am the biggest disappointment in my parents life. god, im not surprised i guess.
but still you think they would be proud of something. ive screwed up alot before- but im doing great now, ive gotten so much better. i work my butt off, i do a great job at work. im good at something i love. i help people. i want to grow up so badly that im forcing myself to do something that i know will be the hardest thing ive ever done just so that i can get my act together. and maybe, just maybe, this path, this 4 year school plan isnt for me.. god forbid i do something different with my life. god forbid i take an alternate path to the same end.
no they dont see any of that. let me paint you the picture that they see out their pretty little window.
a girl that always screws up her life. consistently messing up, consistently letting her parents and family down. consistently doing things that are bad for her.
they see a girl that works all the time to avoid school. they see a girl that isnt doing her best. they are watching a girl working feverishly hard to move out of her parents house cause she thinks it will be more fun, more freedom. that this girl thinks that it will be an easier way if she just moves out from under her parents watchful eye.
it hurts that they think so little of me. im trying- gosh im trying so hard. so hard.
who am i kidding. i can tell myself that what im doing is for the best. i can pretend like moving out is good. but deep down i still feel is tugging to just be a trooper and stick out this whole college thing. and i dont know if that is because i am scared of what people will think or say if i dont, or if its because i think i really need it.
i think its because i am afraid of what will happen if im not like everyone else. im used to being on an even (if not higher) playing field as everyone else- and if i miss out on this huge opportunity then that significantly lowers my chances. im scared. im scared of not following this tried and true path to success. but im afraid if i stay on this path ill fail. ill get burned out and fail. i cant deal with failure- my family cant deal with failure. i dont have enough discipline to continue this. and its not as easy as just "getting it" i have to build at it... build myself. and thats what i think this whole thing comes down to. needed to grow up before i can go on with my life. because i know i want an education. i know i want a good life. i want all the chances i can get. but first- first i need to find myself. i need to know who i am and what i can do before i try to do anything else.
or at least thats what im telling myself.
i dont know what to do. i dont have any idea. i am so scared im doing the wrong thing. i really messed my life up didnt i? i could be at oxford right now like i had planned all along, or at least the art institute in new york. something. anything other than this. what a disappointment.
"hannah i thought you were going to do your best this time"
dad, im sorry but i think this is my best. what a let down. i know.
im so sorry.
so
sorry.
better person?
im working on it. okay? im trying.
i guess i need to start with finishing my laundry
i am the biggest disappointment in my parents life. god, im not surprised i guess.
but still you think they would be proud of something. ive screwed up alot before- but im doing great now, ive gotten so much better. i work my butt off, i do a great job at work. im good at something i love. i help people. i want to grow up so badly that im forcing myself to do something that i know will be the hardest thing ive ever done just so that i can get my act together. and maybe, just maybe, this path, this 4 year school plan isnt for me.. god forbid i do something different with my life. god forbid i take an alternate path to the same end.
no they dont see any of that. let me paint you the picture that they see out their pretty little window.
a girl that always screws up her life. consistently messing up, consistently letting her parents and family down. consistently doing things that are bad for her.
they see a girl that works all the time to avoid school. they see a girl that isnt doing her best. they are watching a girl working feverishly hard to move out of her parents house cause she thinks it will be more fun, more freedom. that this girl thinks that it will be an easier way if she just moves out from under her parents watchful eye.
it hurts that they think so little of me. im trying- gosh im trying so hard. so hard.
who am i kidding. i can tell myself that what im doing is for the best. i can pretend like moving out is good. but deep down i still feel is tugging to just be a trooper and stick out this whole college thing. and i dont know if that is because i am scared of what people will think or say if i dont, or if its because i think i really need it.
i think its because i am afraid of what will happen if im not like everyone else. im used to being on an even (if not higher) playing field as everyone else- and if i miss out on this huge opportunity then that significantly lowers my chances. im scared. im scared of not following this tried and true path to success. but im afraid if i stay on this path ill fail. ill get burned out and fail. i cant deal with failure- my family cant deal with failure. i dont have enough discipline to continue this. and its not as easy as just "getting it" i have to build at it... build myself. and thats what i think this whole thing comes down to. needed to grow up before i can go on with my life. because i know i want an education. i know i want a good life. i want all the chances i can get. but first- first i need to find myself. i need to know who i am and what i can do before i try to do anything else.
or at least thats what im telling myself.
i dont know what to do. i dont have any idea. i am so scared im doing the wrong thing. i really messed my life up didnt i? i could be at oxford right now like i had planned all along, or at least the art institute in new york. something. anything other than this. what a disappointment.
"hannah i thought you were going to do your best this time"
dad, im sorry but i think this is my best. what a let down. i know.
im so sorry.
so
sorry.
better person?
im working on it. okay? im trying.
i guess i need to start with finishing my laundry
2 comments:
Hannah, you have so much to offer and whatever your parents think, just follow God's plan and it will all work out. God does not think that you are a failure. He made you just the way you are and "your best" is more than enough, even if your parents aren't happy. There are plenty of definitions of success and you need to find the one that fulfills your needs and desires, not your parents.
http://brianmurphyr.blogspot.com/
It concerns me (at the core of my self) that "I heart palindromes" proved to be unoriginal. I wasn't entirely sure that the world posessed enough uncool space to have that synapse relationship fire twice.
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