.seriously.

one of the things about my life that makes it hard for me to feel normal is the rejection I get from my parents when they don't even know they are doing it. I dont think that they understand what it feels like, even when its pointed out they are oblivious. I need to find a better way to either a) get across to them how it feels to have them automatically pick a (near) stranger to watch my sister overnight and take her somewhere in the morning over me even when I OFFER to. b) get over the fact that they think so little of me.

SUPER.

Its not that I think they dont love me... It's just that I dont think they LIKE me very much....

.mhm.

the reason i cant get out of bed
the reason i cant make plans
the reason i cant apply for a job

im afraid. terrified, of failure.

if i continue to do nothing then nothing can go wrong.

chicago- fail.
london- fail.
california- potential fail.

and im not saying its my fault that i fail at these things really, a lot of it is out of my control...

which is exactly the reason i am so afraid. i keep making plans for my life and throwing myself all the way in only to be told that "nope, this isnt going to happen for ya" over and over again. so i give up.

i cant. i cant stand to stress and plan, get excited and rearrange my life for things that just melt away as soon as i get up close. its too hard.

so i really have no idea what to do with my life. where i need to go. what door will actually be open for me. so for now i just sit some more. just sit and wait. sit and think. cause that is the only thing i have any control of at this point.


sit. sit. sit.
think. think. think.

.photography.

so i started a whole new blog just for photography.

htwophoto.blogspot.com

after much deliberation and input from people who's opinions i value, we came up with the name {h2}photography for my company... this was about a month ago... today i googled it to see if my name would come up... it did, several times... but somehow about a hundred other people had put their stuff on my site!! oh.. wait... those are their sites... there are literally about 100 other people with the name of h2 photography... and one photographer in particular who's name is hannah h. awesome. all my creativity went out the window.

so now i am debating either changing my name (the companys- not mine!) or just leaving it and concentrating on making mine better than all of theirs...
any thoughts? i'd love some input!

thanks!
hannah hoggatt
(h2)photography (the best one, not to be confused with ALL the others)

.babies.

for someone who has spent pretty much her entire working career on people under the age of 10... how is it that i do not like babies? i catch a lot of crap from people, mostly girls, for this is something that most women are supposed to love and want to cuddle with and oogle after... but where they see cute tiny toes and ity bity fingers i see illiterate, screaming poop machines. not a fan.

i will say in defense of babies that there are a select few that i enjoy... hailey reed, my first official nanny job(from 3mo. to 1 1/2 years old), being one of them. she was an exceptionally cute and very intelligent girl. she was a joy and i miss seeing her everyday! The anthony children are also on my list of funny children that i like. their knowledge of steam and coal engines is beyond me!

but in general babies are not for me. if i am ever in the position where i have to have kids... i will be adopting.. i will be adopting people that can walk and talk and they will undergo an intelligence test before i take them home. i would also still like them to be young and impressionable though.

that is all, my baby rant is over... just needed to get that out there..

.self exploration.

so, as much as i would like to pretend that i am impenetrable... it has recently come to my attention (not for the first time in my life) that i too am affected by the human condition. feelings. ugh. such a bother dont you think? how much easier would things be if indifference was more prevalent in my life. unfortunately i was not blessed with such ambivalence.

lately ive been looking at a lot of my character traits and tracing their origin and development throughout my life so as better to understand myself. you know what ive come up with? that im not much different now than i was when i was 10.
10 year old hannah:
-uses awkwardness to make jokes to break the ice. check- 21 year old hannah
- prone to jealousy(especially when i was sick and my dad would finish buiding my huge snowfort with the neighbor kids instead of me... ooo did that ever set me off). check.
- generally doesnt fit in, or want to, with people. uh.. yeah check!
- overdramatic... haha yes. still me.
- music tastes are the same. (my radio was always tuned to 104.3- the oldies station when i wasnt using my parents record player to listen to the monkees)

there are infinite more comparisons... but what is this all telling me? either i was a really cool kid or i need to freaking grow up already. haha

i have come to see that i have tendencies not to learn my lesson the first time- also much like i was as a child i suppose.
i get excited and caught up in whirlwinds and only see potential rainbows and float away from reality all too quickly. then when the same thunderstorm comes crashing me down to earth i sulk away into my corner kicking myself for not remembering to bring an umbrella this time. for falling for the same thing over and over again.

knowing all of this about myself isnt really going to help. is it? i guess acceptence is half the battle... right?

so lets raise our glasses in toast to the future. heres to growing. heres to learning from mistakes. heres to knowing thyself.

cheers.

.Erica.

Some shots of my dear friend Erica Tighe from the other day.

19=21

I also found this in a 19 year old Hannah journal... Guess my life hasnt changed all that much...
____________

disappointment.

i am the biggest disappointment in my parents life. god, im not surprised i guess.
but still you think they would be proud of something. ive screwed up alot before- but im doing great now, ive gotten so much better. i work my butt off, i do a great job at work. im good at something i love. i help people. i want to grow up so badly that im forcing myself to do something that i know will be the hardest thing ive ever done just so that i can get my act together. and maybe, just maybe, this path, this 4 year school plan isnt for me.. god forbid i do something different with my life. god forbid i take an alternate path to the same end.

no they dont see any of that. let me paint you the picture that they see out their pretty little window.

a girl that always screws up her life. consistently messing up, consistently letting her parents and family down. consistently doing things that are bad for her.
they see a girl that works all the time to avoid school. they see a girl that isnt doing her best. they are watching a girl working feverishly hard to move out of her parents house cause she thinks it will be more fun, more freedom. that this girl thinks that it will be an easier way if she just moves out from under her parents watchful eye.

it hurts that they think so little of me. im trying- gosh im trying so hard. so hard.

who am i kidding. i can tell myself that what im doing is for the best. i can pretend like moving out is good. but deep down i still feel is tugging to just be a trooper and stick out this whole college thing. and i dont know if that is because i am scared of what people will think or say if i dont, or if its because i think i really need it.

i think its because i am afraid of what will happen if im not like everyone else. im used to being on an even (if not higher) playing field as everyone else- and if i miss out on this huge opportunity then that significantly lowers my chances. im scared. im scared of not following this tried and true path to success. but im afraid if i stay on this path ill fail. ill get burned out and fail. i cant deal with failure- my family cant deal with failure. i dont have enough discipline to continue this. and its not as easy as just "getting it" i have to build at it... build myself. and thats what i think this whole thing comes down to. needed to grow up before i can go on with my life. because i know i want an education. i know i want a good life. i want all the chances i can get. but first- first i need to find myself. i need to know who i am and what i can do before i try to do anything else.



or at least thats what im telling myself.

i dont know what to do. i dont have any idea. i am so scared im doing the wrong thing. i really messed my life up didnt i? i could be at oxford right now like i had planned all along, or at least the art institute in new york. something. anything other than this. what a disappointment.



"hannah i thought you were going to do your best this time"

dad, im sorry but i think this is my best. what a let down. i know.

im so sorry.


so

sorry.



better person?
im working on it. okay? im trying.
i guess i need to start with finishing my laundry

Quote&Picture of the Day:

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you feel alive & do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive."
-Howard Thurman

.Devin.

Shot some pictures of my good friend Devin for his contact section of his photography website!

Quote&Picture of the Day:

"I don't know if I can adapt to the conventional
my character seems to contradict it
of all the encounters I want to experience
conformity is not one I wish to visit."

Snapshots

My life has come to a halt.
Moving out of the city = moving out of my current/happy/full life and back into my past.

I tried to step back and just look at my new life from a distance today... and it looked so lonely.
I tried to picture what a "snapshot" of my new life compared to the old would look like, and I dont mean just a photograph- I mean a snapshot of the entire experience...
Needless to say they were awfully different. And yes being here is more lonely, but I have to believe its for the best for now, otherwise I would just be depressed about it.

I wish I could have a snapshot from each period of my life and line them up on the wall as a sort of path of existence thus far.

Soon enough things will be back to how I love them- busy/full/exhausting. So for now I rest up for what is to come.

.Sister.

I hung out with my little sister today while she was trying to catch lightening bugs during the day... I tried to explain that was nearly impossible but she wouldnt be discouraged.

Happiness

"When I was 5 years old, my mom always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down “happy.” They told me I didn’t understand the assignment and I told them they didn’t understand life"

London Calling.

I recieved a job offer in London today.

Everything is falling into place. My passport came in early, I found cheap flights… All thats left is obtaining funds and a visa…

I think a lot of people dont believe I will actually do this. Myself included. But I want to so badly. When I think of everything I would get to see and do there.. it just makes me heart stop with excitement.

I just wish more than anything my parents could just be happy for me. Or at least pretend to be. This is hard enough without their blessing. They think I am running.

Am I? Am I running away from my life here, or lack thereof? Away from all my failures for that matter? I mean, my life is pretty much shambles here. “The plan” was discarded a long time ago as my dad so pointedly reminded me tonight. Ugh. Maybe I am just running. But maybe not away from my old life. Maybe its to my new one.

How many times do I really need to start over before I get it right though? This will be my 6th “fresh start” to try and sort out my mess of a life. Maybe a new country is what I need. But if I cant get it right here, what makes me think I can over there?

When I moved to the city, it was one of the craziest years of my life. And even though I didnt have much money or anything, I will always think of it as pretty much the best year of my life. I wouldnt take it back or regret it for a minute. That first spring and summer were just unforgettable. But what did it get me? Some new friends, crazy stories and great memories- yes… A future? No.

There are some things here that I will miss dearly. Some people that still hold on to pieces of my life that I desparately need back before I leave. There are doors I need to close and windows I need to shut before I can take this giant LEAP.

Really what I hope is that I can do something my parents will be proud of. This is something I have dreamed of my entire life. And I am making it come true. How many people can honestly say they are following through with their childhood dreams? Nothing ever seems to be good enough, no matter how excited I am about something I have done or am doing I still feel like it is met with the same level of enthusiasm. Mostly it is met with incredulous-ness.

Either way....

London here I come.