.mhm.

the reason i cant get out of bed
the reason i cant make plans
the reason i cant apply for a job

im afraid. terrified, of failure.

if i continue to do nothing then nothing can go wrong.

chicago- fail.
london- fail.
california- potential fail.

and im not saying its my fault that i fail at these things really, a lot of it is out of my control...

which is exactly the reason i am so afraid. i keep making plans for my life and throwing myself all the way in only to be told that "nope, this isnt going to happen for ya" over and over again. so i give up.

i cant. i cant stand to stress and plan, get excited and rearrange my life for things that just melt away as soon as i get up close. its too hard.

so i really have no idea what to do with my life. where i need to go. what door will actually be open for me. so for now i just sit some more. just sit and wait. sit and think. cause that is the only thing i have any control of at this point.


sit. sit. sit.
think. think. think.